The Bob Hope USO Christmas Show - 1st Infantry Division HQ, Lai Khe, 1969

The Bob Hope USO Show arrived at Lai Khe on Monday December 22^nd, the first stop in-country for his sixth Christmas tour of the RVN and, as we had been hoping, the office staff was given permission to go.  Dayle left at 9:00 AM to get a good seat, but John, Donny, and I worked for a couple more hours and showed up at 11:00.  We found a sea of wooden ammo crates set up in semicircular rows for seats and made our way as far forward as possible.  Then soon after we arrived they opened up a section much closer to the stage that had been roped off, so I joined the stampede and ended up sitting in the row behind Dayle.  Like the earlier laborers in the vineyard, he reacted with a mixture of surprise and chagrin because he and some friends of his from Di An had been sitting out in the blazing sun for two hours to secure choice seats.  His emotions were even less restrained than usual because the four of them had spent the two hours consuming a quart of whiskey, so I just about died laughing at his profanity-laced tirade long before Bob ever appeared.  The Army provided all the free pop you cared to drink and that was my choice for staying hydrated, but in moderation to minimize the number of long treks to a latrine while a buddy attempted to save your seat.

 

Moving a large troupe of performers around in a combat zone is not a process that can be scheduled precisely, both because of logistics and security concerns, so the starting time of the show was uncertain.  By noon the seating area was packed, but soldiers were exhibiting the legendary ingenuity of the American GI in pursuit of pleasure by devising other means of getting a view of the stage area.  Some soldiers climbed up onto the corrugated steel roofs of adjoining buildings and sat down there, which must have been only slightly more comfortable than enjoying the show with your rear end in a giant frying pan.  Three men demonstrated the value of their Basic Training by climbing a fifty-foot rope up into the canopy of a huge rubber tree.  That was a great performance to watch while passing the time, and then eight telephone workers all used their safety belts and spikes to climb a single power pole.  They did it in balanced pairs to equalize the weight distribution, but there was still speculation among the cheering onlookers as to whether the pole would snap under the stress of well over 1,000 pounds of extra weight.  Another bunch of guys climbed partway up one of the tall communication towers that dotted the base as though it was a gigantic jungle gym. It seemed that no discomfort was too great a price to pay for the privilege of seeing the legendary trouper and his gang.

Anticipation

Any minute now.

Telecom guys create their own way of seeing above the crowd

The show finally got underway at 1:00 PM with a couple of up-tempo numbers by Les Brown and His Band of Renown, and then the great man walked out on stage carrying his signature golf club and wearing a boonie hat and a fatigue jacket covered in unit patches.  He did a masterful double-take at the sight of some soldiers holding up a big hand-lettered sign welcoming Bing Crosby.  General Milloy, complete with sidearm, officially welcomed Bob and then he went into his classic opening routine of perfectly-timed rapid-fire one-liners that quickly had us in stitches.

Bob on stage just to the left of The Big Red One.

Well, here we are back in Vietnam – those hijackers are never around when you need them.

It’s quite an experience landing at Lai Khe – the airstrip is three feet shorter than the plane.

We would have been here sooner, but that Ho Chi Minh Trail is murder during rush hour.

Now I know why they call this place Lai Khe – I’ve only been here a few minutes and I already “no likey.”  (He was mispronouncing the second word of the name as “key” instead of “kay).

Lai Khe is so close to the action that we had to give half the tickets to the VC.

It looks like you’ll have a white Christmas – four inches of dust fell last night.

This is our fifth triumphant year in Lai Khe.  You can tell – the lizards salute back.

But actually, Lai Khe is one of my favorite swamps.

Now I know why they call this outfit the Big Red One – that’s what my backside looked like when the mosquitoes got through with it.

These guys have seen more action than a Swedish movie director.

I enjoy visiting you guys all over the world, though – I just wish this was part of it.

These men have a tremendous mission stationed here in the middle of this huge rubber plantation – guarding next year’s supply of bras and girdles.  (My personal favorite)

He then turned his attention to politics.

Last year Agnew gave Mr. Nixon a surf board when he was at San Clemente.  This year Nixon sent it back to Spiro to use as a tongue depressor.

That got the usual big laugh, but the reference to Nixon led to an unfortunate incident that Hope was to remember with some bitterness for the rest of his life.  As was the custom, the first stop on the tour had been a performance in the East Room of the White House and Bob, clearly wishing to buck up the spirits of the troops, told us that the President had told him in confidence that he had a secret plan to end the war.  The reaction was a smattering of chuckles, momentary silence, and then a chorus of boo’s.  Bob was obviously taken aback by this unprecedented reaction, but quickly recovered and went on with the show.  I only realized how profoundly hurt he had been by the situation when he told the writer Pete Martin several years later that he had been booed for the first time at Lai Khe and the troops had not laughed at a single one of his jokes.  The truth was that we had roared in appreciation after every one of his quips, but apparently the totally unexpected derisive reaction to his misguided effort to cheer us up had so colored his memory of that show that he recalled us as “completely deadpan.”  The truth, of course, was that we loved Bob but were booing Nixon.  By that point in the war we had heard so many reassurances and broken promises that the “light at the end of the tunnel” was just around the corner that the automatic reaction to yet another such unsubstantiated statement was one of cynicism.  Even Bob Hope could not venture into the minefield of the politics of the war without risking the sting of at least some relatively mild disapproval.

The Golddiggers!

Miss World

Connie Stevens, behind some guy's head

Bob & Connie's skit

But the show must go on, and Bob brought along the customary collection of beautiful girls: Connie Stevens; Theresa Graves of Laugh-In; Eva Reuber-Stainer of Vienna, Miss World; and The Golddiggers from The Dean Martin Show.  Theresa won the hearts of the crowd by flashing the peace sign at the end of her medley, and the audience became a sea of them in response.  Bob noted that he “brought 18 girls because if we’re hijacked I want something to trade.”  He did a skit with Connie where they were marooned on a desert island, Bob as a lowly GI and Connie as a strict by-the-book lieutenant.  She ordered him around all the time and refused to let him join her for meals in the “officers’ mess,” but then when his enlistment was about to run out she began acting sexy as a way to try to induce him to re-up.  That brought on a strong reaction from the audience as guys began vociferously urging him not to fall for it.  It was amusing, but actually re-upping was a rather touchy subject because guys who were having a rough time out in the field could often move behind the lines by extending.  The price was at least another year of their lives sacrificed to the military.

Neil Armstrong, center in the orange shirt

Other than the thrill of seeing Bob himself, a direct link to our parents’ war, the highlight for me was Neil Armstrong, and even the first man on the Moon could not escape playing the role of straight man when sharing the stage with the master of comedy.  Bob commented that Neil’s step onto the Moon had been the second most dangerous of the year, and when Armstrong asked who took the most dangerous of all Hope’s reply was “the girl who married Tiny Tim.”  Neil seemed at home in front of an audience of 15,000 and spent most of his time answering questions from GIs using microphones scattered throughout out the crowd.

And for the traditional finale, the entire cast and audience join in singing "Silent Night."  There were most likely not many dry eyes at that point, but there sure were thousands of GIs feeling a little less homesick thanks to the efforts of a great man and his wonderful troupe.  That was one Christmas season I'll certainly never forget.